Lincoln (2012)

Lincoln - Trailer

3.5 Sally Field rambling complains out of 5

This is a tough review.  This film was a highly anticipated one by movie-goers, myself included.

My motivation was primarily fueled by Daniel Day Lewis more so than the movie itself.  My excitement was met halfway, and here is why:

The plot was mildly interesting, and I was glad to see the plot was about Lincoln and his 13th amendment more so than Lincoln himself, that was refreshing.  Costumes were good, sets were elaborate, and the learning experience was fruitful.  Steven Spielberg is always solid as well.  What became annoying over time was Sally Field playing Mrs. Lincoln and Joseph Gordon-Levitt playing Lincoln's eldest son.  Although the acting by these two must be respected, their characters are beyond annoying with their long winded woe is me rants about how their lives suck.  This becomes a bit much, because myself as well as others in the audience become noticeably agitated by the constant complaining by these two.  Any time this movie picked up steam one or both enter stage left and proceed to defecate all over the movie.  I get it, your life sucks.  For those who go to this movie, use their scenes as an opportunity to sneak a bathroom visit in, because the movie is also very long.

The see-saw battle between Lincolns family with the rest of the movie is evident but still worth a watch since this movie will most likely be in the discussion for "movie of the year."  Also, by the looks of it, Daniel Day Lewis should be nominated for best actor as well.

Hanna (2011)

Trailer

4 upside down mushrooms hanging from the ceiling out of 5

This movie was sick. It was also very reminiscent of Kill Bill, particularly the opening scene of each. Watch both and tell me they`re not related. I dare ye.

So, Hanna, played by Saoirse Ronan (pronounced sur-shuh), is an adorable little girl living in the forest with her pop-pop, a hairy and unkempt but still somewhat attractive Eric Bana (pronounced boh-ring). We learn in the exposition that Bana has been training Hanna to be able to fend for herself not only in the forest but in a variety of situations. They`re fighting, hunting, cooking, disembowling, shooting, etc. He`s super tough on her but always has his eye out for her. Bana knows tough love.

So this is not just a typical person-with-cool-abilities movie. Hanna`s never left the forest since she was brought there as a baby. So when she does leave (you`ve been spoiled!), although being extremely prepared physically, historically and linguistically, she`s extremely overwhelmed by things such as electricity and other humans in general. It`s interesting to see how a deft girl who`s so confident in the forest is thrust into a totally new environment and rendered almost immobile by simple things we take for granted. A nice touch compared to the unwavering badassery of the characters typically portrayed in assassin-ish movies.

Cate Blanchett is probably the best character in this movie after Hanna. She plays Hanna`s nemesis, Marissa Weigler, a tough bitch with Ariel-red hair who pays intense attention to the cleanliness of her gums. Really good character. I love seeing Cate Blanchett as a horrible woman. She is excellent at it. You will thoroughly enjoy her search for Hanna as well as her collection of business pumps displayed in this movie.

Definitely see this movie if you like action, snow, foreign languages and camera tricks that are influenced by the characters` emotions. Bring your girlfriend, too. Because if you leave her at home, she might flip that fucking switch and set off a riot. You`ll see what I mean.

- Bill

Abduction (2011)

Trailer

2 pouty shark faces out of 5.

I`m not ashamed to admit I`ve followed the Twilight series with the same zeal as a tween girl and so I`m equally unashamed to review this attempt at establishing Taylor "Guesswhatmyshirtisoffagain" Lautner as a serious actor.

Abduction is pretty fun. If you are looking for some fast action, hand-to-hand combat and lots of chasing, look no further. However, if you are looking to be impressed by Lautner`s emotional range, you might want to go back to Twilight where at least he becomes a wolf when he`s angry. In Abduction, he just looks at stuff off camera for a few seconds whenever needs to express something unspoken. I guess it must work for people whose abs are insured.

It`s an entertaining story involving witness-protection-programesque secrets, CIA handlers and one or two pretty foreseeable twists that still deliver despite their written-for-cromagnon set-ups. Lautner honestly doesn`t have his shirt off as much in this movie, although it can be argued that a few more shirt-changing scenes couldn`t have hurt the overall aesthetic of the movie. After all, he was on the run a lot and if we`re following Harrison`s Fugitive rules, then we should have had a few more ab-revealing costume changes.

I will say that Lautner definitely worked very hard on the physical aspects of this movie. Towards the end, he gets the chance to do some of his own parkour-ish stunts and pulls them off well. Those are when he really shines I think. But when asked to portray some of the more $5 emotions like "sadness leading to vengeance" or "beat down but goal-oriented", I just don`t think he pulls it off. He doesn`t seem like much of a thinker so when he comes up with this well-thought-out plan to bait and trap the enemy, it`s pretty unbelieveable that he considered such details.

I can`t believe I almost forgot this one... Lautner`s character is seeing a therapist played by Sigourney Weaver. I was unimpressed. He has this little speech during one of their sessions that`s the classic "I feel so different from everyone else. Like I just don`t fit in. I don`t know what`s wrong with me..." bullshit we`d expect to hear from characters played by Jesse Eisenberg. But hearing that kind of line from Lautner is like hearing NorthFace/Ugg-wearing white girls complain about hair straightening products. Shut up already.

You could waste your time in worse ways than seeing this movie. Just be ready for your girlfriend`s post movie request to join a gym, stop playing WoW so much and to sign up for kickboxing with her on Wednesday nights from 7 to 9.

- Bill

Frozen (2010)

Trailer

2 chairlifts out of 5

A classic case of the movie being just a 90 minute version of the 2 minute trailer.  Although I wouldn't classify this movie as bad, it's also far from good.  Points go toward a good idea, because it's playing on a fear all skier and snowboarders have thought about, but the execution and fear factor was just mediocre.  The catch here is that the mountain is open Fridays thru Sundays only...maybe living in the northeast leaves me naive but I've never heard of that.

In my opinion this movie would have been better if the victim's experiences were as a result of a recently laid off chair lift operator's anger.  That would have opened up more avenues for scarier "moments" and additional story lines for the movie.

I guess this movie was okay though.  Mildly entertaining, potentially worth a watch just so you can say you did. 

Man on Fire (2004)

Man on Fire (Trailer)

3 cut off fingers out of 5

Ah.....The movie cover says it all.  Let's inspect the cover and see if we can withdraw a potential movie plot from it. 

Denzel in the foreground protecting Dakota Fanning.  They are probably not related but he somehow has some connection to her that he has taken the role of protector.  Reading perhaps a bit deeper one could conclude that the two colors in the background represent good and evil, or darkness and light, and that somehow plays in too.

Turns out that's exactly what the plot was, but what do we expect? It's your typical Denzel movie.  Your standard kinda cool thriller with a predictable ending but with a couple unexpected twists and turns along the way.  For two hours you are shown alternating scenes where Denzel shows how much of a bad ass he is followed up by character building scenes where he shows emotion, and the pattern repeats over and over.


Some notes at random on the movie:

A creative way Denzel's character bonded with Dakota Fanning's was the whole swimming competition thing.  That was a pretty effective way of the on screen bond building between the two.  Good choice.

This movie is 2 and a half hours.  A bit long but it's done in a way that doesn't seem that long.  1 hour 15 minutes of buildup is followed up by 1 hour and 15 minutes of Denzel Washington completely losing his mind.

Denzel has a great "Who's the Boss?!?!?!" line.  Cute.

There is a scene where Denzel places a bomb literally inside a man, in a way no man ever wants a bomb to be put inside them.  You get the idea.  This scene was entertaining.


Overall, the Mickey Rourke appearance and the tear jerker ending saved this pretty forgettable movie from being a total loser.  The movie may have been able to be shorter than 2.5 hours too.  Watch this movie is you have some time to kill and want to see some cool innovative ways to torture and kill people.  The relationships are forgettable, but a couple of the story twists at least make this movie bearable.

Catfish (2010)

Trailer

4.5 sexts out of 5


I LOVE IT when I`m not explicitly positive whether or not a documentary is true or not. I know that there are a lot of good reasons why I shouldn`t believe this story but I really do want to believe it. Now, unfortunately, this is one of those movies that just can not be thoroughly discussed without giving away the money-shot of the entire idea so I`m going to be a good little Jewish boy (like a Schulman) and not spoil this one for all the tens of readers we have because this. movie. is. worthit!

You should definitely watch this movie if you enjoy the following things:

- Jewish boys from Brooklyn
- the Internet
- documentaries
- MTV`s Real Life show minus the moxy of Tabitha Soren
- crazy mind games
- love stories
- crazy Americans
- movie-induced emotional stress

So that`s all for now. I told you I wasn`t going to spoil it for you. Because I`m sooooo glad that I didn`t have it spoiled for me. Put down Angry Birds on your iPad and close the Facebook application on your iPhone for an hour and a half and just enjoy this movie. You will thank me later by commenting and not just Gerard.

Definitely see this movie with your girlfriend but only if you`ve actually met your girlfriend before.

- Bill

GANTZ (2011)

Trailer

2 big, black, ominous balls out of 5

**I will spoil this movie for you. But it`s not worth watching. Trust me.

Let me start by saying that for a Japanese movie, this movie wasn`t that horrendous. Recent Japanese films (with possibly the exception of Okuribito or Departures [English release title] for those that were into it) have been utter shit. I`m not saying that American films are the industry standard. They, too, are often garbage. I`m just saying that recently, Japanese films are pretty horrible. I`ve seen about 1 or 2 in my life (animes) that weren`t a complete waste of time and money but most of the others have been absolute abortions. I`m sorry. But this is true and many Japanese people are aware of this.

This movie, based on a very popular manga series, is a combination of earlier manga storylines (Deathnote) as well as the movies Battle Royale and The Matrix, which, as good as it was at the time, doesn`t need to be reincarnated. We can all torrent it and relive it as much as we would ever possibly need to. Why make a whole new mess out of things with irresponsibly similar spin-offs? Anyway, here`s what the movie is supposed to be about:

- If you die and are chosen by the naked foreigner who lives on life support inside a big, black metallic ball in an unfurnished apartment in Tokyo, then you have been given, without any explanation, the chance to live again.

- In this second life, you must put on an unflattering leather suit which enhances your strength and fight any amount of aliens/robots/statue monsters in one night in a specified time period which changes every night. Still with me? I`m sorry.

- If you die while fighting whatever abomination is out to get you that night, then you die for real and you`re replaced the next night with new people who have recently died.

- If you succeed in the killing and actually aid in it, then you will be awarded points for that evening. Once your points total 100, you have the option of either 1. erasing your memory and returning to real life or 2. reviving someone who`s died in the past.

- Those who succeed in the killing each night wake up in their homes the next day as if nothing has happened and are then transported back to the game world every night until they fail/die or succeed and earn more points.

At first, the whole idea of the game was pretty intriguing, I have to admit. I paid attention and really the whole idea of it, but in the same way that I`ve already enjoyed The Matrix and Battle Royale and Deathnote and The Most Dangerous Game and the list goes on. This movie broke no new real ground. But it sure did try.

Why the movie sucked:

- One character, Kishimoto, who is portrayed by someone who believes himself to be a good actor, speaks with a crooked mouth. This is incessantly annoying and absolutely unnecessary. He`s trying to do the whole jaded, burnt out, overworked and a little bit crazy thing and it is NOT working. He just looks assymetric and you`ll want to slap him symmetric. What a tool.

- In Japanese culture, in order to be polite, many people utilize something I`ve come to call the "faux shock". This is comprised of a quick expression of air from your mouth as if you were about to speak, sometimes combined with a barely audible murmur or monosyllabic utterance similar to an "um". It`s used almost as a warm up to speaking or as a bumper between words as if the listener needs to "get ready" to listen or the speaker has to humble himself and act subservient. It`s a very natural and common thing I`ve observed and it`s present in all situations whether business, casual or familiar. And it`s ALL OVER THIS MOVIE. Every time someone looks like they`re about to say something intelligible, the just open their mouth and make that sound but because it`s a movie, it`s accompanied by a variety of dumbass expressions too. I wouldn`t hate on the faux shock so much if that`s all it was and they got on with their conversations but they DON`T! Many scenes are cut off on a shot with the actor in post-faux shock IlooklikeI`vejustbeentakenfrombehind mode. This is a picky bitch complaint but let me have it.

- EVERYTHING is slow and drawn out. This movie could have taken place in about 60% of the time that it actually lasted. Every shot is way too long and every zoom-in/out is overdone and every expression`s last 3 seconds is unnecessary. Even if you pressed the fast forward button every 10 seconds throughout the duration of this movie, you will have seen the exact same movie I did last night.

- Japanese actors are reaction masters. All anyone does in this movie is stand around, act shocked and react emotionally and slowly to everything that happens. Monsters are running directly at you? Just stand there and stare at them. You`ll be fine. Someone`s pointing a gun at your face? Just stare them down. Things will work themselves out, don`t worry.

- You`ve got a gun and a clear shot and no one is in danger yet. Do you shoot? Of course not, you`re busy staring at something. Every enemy that appears in this movie is, at several points per scene, extremely vulnerable and just asking to die. However, no one ever shoots at the monster during this time. Everyone waits until the monster is about to kill them to take a shot. It`s kind of like the group fighting rule, right? If one person is fighting a group of ninjas, do they ever attack all at once and kill the person and be done? Nope. They all wait in their respective positions in their intimidation circle and do the Mortal Kombat pre-fight jiggle. Imagine that kind of irritating feeling of seeing all the actors just waiting around for their turn, replace the impressive martial art sequences with CGI bullshit and you`ve just seen Gantz.

- The monsters are ridiculous. Seriously, the first monster they have to kill is called Onion Alien. Seriously. I watched a version that was dubbed, very well in fact, in English and so I thought something stupid like that would just have been the translator`s fault. But no, even the Japanese characters in the original movie say Onion Alien (ねぎ星人). Fucking come on, man. Other monsters include a robot rugby player, temple guardian statue (have we seen Tomb Raider?), many-armed Shiva-looking statue and a giant Buddha.

If you think this movie doesn`t sound half bad, take the time out of your life to see it. But you can never get that time back. You just cantz. WOMP WOMP.

Sahara (2005)

Sahara - Trailer

2.5  40 minute action sequences out of 5


This movie is a B- attempt at an Indiana Jones remake.  Matthew McConoughey is probably a great casting choice as Dr. Jones.  Penelope Cruz is a terrible choice as Dr. Jone's love interest, but isn't she a bad choice for....anything?, and Steve Zahn is a great choice for the ephemeral Dr. Jones sidekick.


 Here is a quick Q&A for the just some of the questions in life that you need to know:


Q: Can Matthew McConaughey convince an entire nomadic African Tribe to go to war for him when there is nothing in it for them?
A: Yes

Q: You have two superheroes.  One is really smart and is the love child of McGyver, Indiana Jones, and Jack Bauer, the other is the dumb stoner type and is the love child of James Franco, Seth Rogen, and Jim Breuer.  One has to go after the girl, the other has to diffuse a bomb.  Which do you send where?
A: Smart one goes for the girl and dumb one goes for the bomb, obviously.

Q: Can two guys and a girl in a jeep with no weapons evade a chasing military helicopter in the middle of the desert?
A: If MM is their leader, yes.

Q: Can MM destroy that same helicopter while hiding in a 250 year old boat IN THE DESERT?
A: Yes

Q: Can MM single handedly fight off an entire nation's army while liberating another?
A: Yes and he can do it in one day.

Q: Can MM do all of the above while remaining chaotically in control, funny, and witty all at the same time?!?!?
A: Yes

Okay that's enough.   This movie was obviously deeply inspired by the Indiana Jone's series.  If you ask me, the director didn't necessarily fail, but didn't quite succeed either.  It was a bit gaudy at times like the original Indiana Jones, but just didn't have the same sexy factor....ehhhh.

Lastly, kudos should be given for the best helicopter explosion I have ever seen.  It's about 15 seconds of pure awesomeness.  You will watch it 4 or 5 times in a row.  I did.

Overall I'd recommend seeing this movie.  It's potentially worthy of a sequel if they get rid of Penelope and keep Steve Zahn.


-Gerard

The Next Three Days (2010)

Trailer

4 marker-covered-map & newsclipping drawingboards out of 5

Despite Russell Crowe`s past misdeeds, this movie was not bad.

Seriously, it`s suspenseful, realistic and for the most part, believeably entertaining. Russell Crowe plays a father who`s wife is accused of killing her boss with whom she`d fought earlier. So, Mommy`s in jail and the kid`s naturally affected, whatever. Typical story, we`ve seen it before many times but with the mom & dad in opposite places, big whoop. Sidenote: we`ve also seen this kind of situation in the movie Old Dogs, which if you haven`t already seen, definitely do, because it`s even worse than any Nic Cage movie you can think of AND it`s got both Robin Williams and John "not a gay" Travolta starring in it. UNAPOLOGETICALLY BAD. Back on track: so Russell Crowe meets a shady Liam Neeson at a bar and gets some insider info on how to effectively escape from a prison. I haven`t spoiled anything yet, so shut up. This all happens in the exposition.

Anyway, the movie continues on predictably from there with a nice "getting prepared" montage that everyone always loves BUT once the plan sets itself in motion, it gets a lot better. Most of the ways that Crowe goes about his plan are super realistic. His character is just a community college literature professor so all the badassery that he learns comes from shit like blogs and YouTube videos which is not a bad touch, in my opinion. It really lets you relate to the character and he doesn`t really wallow in all the personal hardship bullshit that someone like Tom Hanks or Nic Cage would. He plays a really honest and decent character which is nice to see. No dumbass Robin Hood speeches in generalized British accents in this movie, guys. You can put your colloquial dictionaries away now.

Crowe`s character makes some very real and extremely stressful, lifechanging decisions in this movie that anyone will be able to relate to and enjoy simutaneously albeit in a very "ohmygodifthatweremeIwouldtotesvomit" kind of way.

See this movie. Bring the girlfriend. She`ll ask you about children after the movie and even if you tell the bitch that future children = raised BJ quota now, you will still be alright because you experienced the movie alongside her, giving you a caring and gentle personality by proxy. SCIENCE.

- Bill

PS - My apologies for not having posted in quite some time. I`ve been thoroughly engaged in the BBC series Human Planet, which despite it being an 8 part, 16 hour miniseries about awesome shit, is not a movie and doesn`t really need a review, but DOES deserve a look. It does not disappoint. Other fantastic things taking up my time; The Office, Parks and Recreation, Portlandia and shamelessly, GLEE. That`s right, watch the fuck out when my Glee is on.

Fool's Gold (2008)

Fool's Gold - Trailer

2 Treasures out of 5

This is going to be tough.  There's not much to say here, but I'll admit I was mildly entertained by this movie.  In a strange way I didn't mind watching this.  It's tough to rag too hard on this movie.  It's a chick flick from a mile away, and this is what McConaughey does best.  He is the grand master of chick flicks.  There's got to be some sidestreet storefront somewhere in Hollywood between a non-fat yogurt shop and a hot vinyasa Yoga joint where Matthew McConaughey teaches the fine art of the chick flick.  He should charge top dollar, because there's nobody as good as him.

You know what your going to get from this movie the second you put in the DVD....your standard chick flick in every way shape and form.  From the hopeless romantic love story to the predictable plot to the love lessons that make you roll your eyes....standard chick flick. 

-Gerard

Couples Retreat (2009)

Couples Retreat - Trailer

3 Bungalows out of 5

I'm generally a fan of Vince Vaughn.  The Favreau guy as well.  A lukewarm fan of the other two guys.  None of these guys has been funny for an entire movie since probably 2007-2008.  Put all four together so we only have to endure each guy's jokes 1/4 of the time? Pretty good idea if you ask me.  Vince Vaughn the poor guy...went from duo's to being the star, to now having to be one of four.  It's a sad but necessary evil.  As a former Vince Vaughn fan, I even admit this is probably a good move.  After a while the guy just gets plain annoying, and this cast together split the time up well.

As for the actual movie, it was OK.  It had a pretty decent and unique setting and plot that you've never really seen before, so that's always appreciated.  It's pretty funny at times, other times not really.  "OK" is probably all you need to say when asked about this movie.  The highlight of this movie for me is near the beginning while they still haven't gone on vacation and one couple gives a business style presentation to the other three showing graphs and figures why they are heading towards divorce, cute.

This movie could have potentially squeaked by with a 3.5, until they started giving relationship advice at the end.  Why do some comedies feel the need to have a moral to the story?!?!? I'm sorry but this isn't Aesop's fables and I do not need Vince Vaughan and John Favreau giving me corny relationship advice, it couldn't have come off worse guys!  PLEASE STOP!

This is probably the last movie Vince Vaughan does that's halfway decent.  John Favreau may have 1 or 2 more in him.  Otherwise, say goodbye to these guys.

-Gerard

Powder (1995)

1 Human Defibrillators our of 5.

This is what this blog was created for!!! A sounding board for absolutely terrible movies we could have done without, but are kind of fun to rip on.  This movie was an "epic failure" as they say nowadays and an overall great big heaping piece of shit!  This may be one of the worst movies I have ever seen in my life.

I started this movie mildly excited.  I am a sucker for stories about ridiculously smart and high IQs...great stuff.  I quickly learned this movie took this concept to the extreme and proceeded to butcher that sometimes overdone story line into pieces.

First off, the kids in Powders foster home were a little too hard on him...it was fake as hell.  Real life kids aren't that mean.  The director obviously never experienced bullies in real life...bullies don't act this way!! Yes Mr. Director, I'm calling you out.

This freaking kid quickly goes from "he's very smart" to "healing people".  Come on.  Let's cut out the fantasy stuff for a second, my God.  At the same time the movie tries to get all emotional and tries to tackle the concept of acceptance, feeling of belonging, etc.  FAILURE.  A 10 year old could have done a better job.  Not the mention this guy Powder is the creepiest dude ever.  He's borderline homosexual which is not a problem but he's so sexually awkward about it that it's creepy as hell, something that makes no sense to me because that part of the story is never tied up.  I looked up the director on wikipedia after watching the movie, he is a sex offender....makes sense.

You have to see this movie to believe what a complete piece of crap it is.  My thrashing is not giving this movie a fair description, words can't describe this garbage.  The movie title should be changed from "Powder" to "Predictability".  No story line twists and turns were surprises at all.  Oh wait! There was one surprise! The ending was worse than I could have ever expected.  In a complete cop out move the director just completely ends the movie in a 2 minute scene where you are left saying to yourself "is that really the end of the movie??!??!?!".  I literally checked the main menu of the DVD and the length of the movie on the internet to make sure I didn't have a bad copy, unfortunately, my copy was fine.  If the movie ever had a chance of being 1.5 out of 5 because its cool to have an albino in your movie, the ending solidified its place in it's history as ONE OF THE WORST MOVIES OF ALL TIME.

Watch this movie if you want to laugh at a bad movie.

-Gerard

Grindhouse: Deathproof (2007)

Grindhouse: Deathproof - Trailer 3.5 car chases out of 5 Typical Quentin Tarantino movie I guess? This hour and a half movie is strangely broken up into two 45-minute short stories. I don't really think these two stories are really fully independent from each other nor are they dependent...not sure what the whole point of it was. Perhaps if I spent $100,000 to learn theatre at a liberal arts school I would know. Whatever the case, pretty entertaining movie. Vanessa Ferlito is one of the leads in the first half, and I definitely like her work...she fits that tough but not too tough girl who was originally from the city but now lives in the suburbs with you but still tries to hang onto her city roots. We've all known one. She's in it, and does an amazing dialogue with Kurt Russel, and does a bang up job, check it out. This movie has the best, and I mean BEST car crash you may ever see "on the big screen". A must see. This crash rivals the scene in "Vary Bad Things" when Marv from home alone gets completely obliterated and sandwiched in between a 10 passenger van and a BMW. Also a MUST SEE. Small but yet cheesy cameo by Eli Roth. Tarantino lowered the quality of his movie because of some backroom favor to the guy probably, not interested. Props as always though has to be given to Tarantino who lets you into each character's psyche and way of thinking just from simple but strategic conversations. A brilliant piece of directing in my opinion. Think opening scene of reservoir dogs type stuff. Go see this movie. You'll think it's weird at times, but worth it. -Gerard

Beowulf (2007)

Beowulf Trailer

2 Animated Boob Shots out of 5

This movie embodies the often used "ehhhhh...it was alright" snap shot review by your every day movie goer and amateur critic (not me).

I'm really tempted to go completely off the reservation here on this movie.  There are two things though that stop me from delivering the ultimate verbal thrashing this movie probably deserves, they are: 1. Well done computer animation/graphics, whatever you call it and 2. It's a classic story that is taught and forgotten to every student in this country that has gone to high school.

I'll admit, there were a few moments where I was a bit interested in watching this movie, mainly because of the graphics and effects, but overall I couldn't wait for this shit movie to be over.  Making these computer animated people look like real movie stars just seems stupid to me.  I am also typically against any fantasy non-sense.  Beowulf..an ordinary (or not so ordinary) man has sex with some half mermaid half Angelina Jolie character and gives birth to a Dragon??!??!?!?!! I know its the original story but come on.  How stupid.  The audience is no longer uninformed Nordic Vikings, we are a bit smarter now...

This movie is a decent watch if you're mildly interested in seeing some cool computer graphics and have it NOT be completely for kids like Pixar Movies and AVATAR (Yes I'm including AVATAR!!!!!!!).  Otherwise, watch something else.

-Gerard

The Ruins (2008)

Trailer

3 out of 5 living vines

@BretEastonEllis was right when he said via Twitter, "The Ruins is a totally underrated horror film". Curious about what one of my favorite non-horror author`s horror recommendation would be, I quickly downloaded and enjoyed this movie with a nice bowl of rice, fried tofu and lots of sesame seeds.

Like myself, most fans of B-horror films will understand that no one really famous ever signs up for these movies, only those stars who are on their way to possibly becoming famous. That being said, I was surprised to see Jena Malone of Saved! glory as the lead actress. Honestly, I thought she would have gotten better work after having done that movie but I guess I was wrong. Either that or the call of a hot-body horror flick was just too strong to resist.

Also appearing is Shawn Ashmore, better known to me previously as Iceman from the X-Men trilogy (soon to be a prequel! SCORE.) Although Ashmore wasn`t astounding in the mutant action-drama, I still had him pegged in my head as at least a decent person because he was part of the team. I know, it`s ridiculous to give movie stars actual, real-life credit for things their agents may choose for them, but that`s how I work. Anyway, even after being afforded that extra credit, Ashmore still failed me in this movie, despite his awesome college-hippie-beard.

Getting into the story, it`s your typical moronic-Americans-on-vacation setup with 2 couples at a resort who meet a nice German-ish guy who happens to know someone working at an archaeological dig site far from the comfy resort at which they`re currently lounging by the pool. Once the group is able to convince Malone`s Ms. Goody Two-Shoes to go on the adventure, the ominous music sets in and we sit back, ready to take in the heavy foreshadowing as well as gratuitous nudity that all but guarantees certain death before the credits roll.

From there on, the story develops respectably well and we`re at least treated to a plot twist or two before everyones dead. Kidding! Not everyone dies, you know. I`m sure we`ve all seen enough horror movies by now (think Halloween or Scream) to know that there`s gotta be at least 1 character left over at the end to keep things open and profitable for a sequel, should the production gods deem it so.

If you like gore or at least a more dramatically necessary type of gore that`s not just Saw gore, I think you`ll get your fill in this movie. As usual, I had to scrub past the gore due to the yet to be eaten rice and tofu, juicily gazing at me from my bowl. Honestly, in what movie would missing the gory scene really affect your overall understanding of the movie? If I can guess what`s going to happen before it actually happens and then review the event through the dialogue afterwards, I don`t see why I should have to waste precious dream-energy to fight off an unreasonably macabre dream later that night. I`m sure whatever I imagine will be just as horrible, if not worse than what any special effects supervisor can show me. But just to be sure of my belief, I did a quick scrub back through the gore and was proven right. For no reason would I ever have needed to see that and regret seeing it because now as I`m typing about it, I`m having phantom pains in my knee.

Sidenote, if you can speak any sort of Spanish... Forget that. If you can order from a Taco Bell Menu, then you will be enjoyably appalled at every actor`s complete lack of any language ability at all in this movie. Seriously, it`s really fun to watch. One girl tries to communicate with the locals in a stressful situation and her boyfriend, the great Jonathan Tucker, calls her back with the "leave it to me, I know what I`m doing" look. He then proceeds to look at the local man in question with a serious face and says, "Señor". Yup. That`s his big situation-controlling line of strongarm negotiation. When the man, who`s obviously an indigenous Mayan (because they said so 2 minutes earlier) doesn`t understand his amazing linguistic feat, he says it two or three times more, each time getting more and more impassioned but sadly without even a "por favor", he soon gives up. Thankfully, this character doesn`t do much more talking until the end of the movie when he makes an impassioned go-down-fighting speech to the other characters. This is the point when we are finally made aware of Jonathan Tucker`s speech impediment. Tucker had hidden it pretty well before this point but in this speech, we are showerd with more "not S, but SH" glory that most people can handle in a single sitting. I hope that this lisp was a strange character choice and not how Tucker actually talks because that would be a bit disappointing to have that voice matched with such a good body. However, the only quote from The O.C. I can remember certainly would ring true here, "God doesn`t give with both hands."

And that brings us to the end of the movie. I`m trying harder now to not spoil the movie for our thousands of readers who have yet to see each film. We wouldn't want any sour pusses now would we? You should definitely see this movie if you enjoy cheesy horror movies with unreasonable plots and half naked actors.

- B

King's Speech, The (2010)

The King's Speech - Trailer

4.5 S S S Stammers out of 5

Best Picture Nominee AND based on a true story (my soft spot).  I had to see this movie because the official question for January 2010 was "Have you seen the King's Speech?"  I got tired of saying no, so I overpaid and saw this movie in theatres.

This movie is GREAT and gets a rating of 4.5, but I must admit that I am a bit disappointed.  People had hyped this movie so much so that I thought I would be walking out of the theater with my jaw dragging behind me.  Not even close.  Was it a great movie? Yes.  That's where my quick and dirty summary would end though, there is NO NEED for people to be fainting at the mere mention of the movie's title like people are presently doing.  People lets get over it! We've been acting like we've been forced to watch Renne Zelwiger and River Pheonix movies for the last 10 years! We know better!

Again, let me clarify, GREAT movie.  But because people have decided to horribly over-rate this movie, I have to knock it down to its rightful place in movie history.

Colin Firth performance may be one of the best in history though. I will always hold on a high pedestal an actor that can CONVINCINGLY play a person that is insane, has a stammer, mentally retarded, etc.  Playing one of these physical disabilities commands the upmost respect.  This guy's performance gets a 5 out of 5.

-Gerard

Reservoir Dogs (1992)

Reservoir Dogs - Trailer 

3.5 Plot Twists out of 5

Overall great story, highly entertaining, and good all around movie.

You can never get enough of these types of movies where you are putting together a puzzle and you are kept guessing every step of the way.  The blood and language of this movie was a bit excessive at times but you really don't mind it because its different and it kind of fits the description of the characters.

Some parts of the movies seemed a bit fake, but it ultimately didn't matter.  In my opinion the value of this movie is in some of the dialogue and the overall story.

A story like this is easy in nature to conceptualize, but has to be very tough to execute.  Tarantino pulls it off flawlessly.

This is one of these "must see" movies for all movie fans but doesn't rank anywhere close to one of the best movies of all times, as some people hype it up to be.

Bill Reilly loves this movie.

-Gerard

Antichrist (2009)

Trailer

3 rusty scissors out of 5

HOLY SHIT. This movie made me cringe and scream so much that I couldn`t even watch it on my television. A full screen experience with surround sound would have overwhelmed my previously-believed-to-be-strong-but-now-fragile senses. If you watched this movie in the theatre, you should receive a Purple Heart. I had to watch the entire movie in front of my computer with my mouse poised over the VLC scrubber. So I`m going to start out by saying that I did watch this movie in its entirety, albeit a sped-up and somewhat censored version.

If you`ve ever thought that Willem Dafoe was generally odd looking man, your thoughts will be affirmed again and again in this movie by Lars von Trier. I`ve always been and still am impressed with Dafoe`s work in movies. But I`ve always been creeped out as well. However, in my humble opinion as a performer, I think that eliciting such a strong emotion (skeevicity) from an audience is quite a feat. So, big urban props to Willem. However, I just couldn`t handle the level of skeevicity that was portrayed in this movie. Nor could I handle the amount of screen time his naked body was awarded in this film. I believe that he and his movie-wife, Charolette Gainsbourg, copulated at least 8 times in the span of 108 minutes. And each time, it was this epic event of close up genital shots, unattractively straining back muscles and usually ended in gore, violence or unbridled rage. Seriously, within the first 3 minutes of the movie, you`re shot in the face with a full screen shot of shower penetration. No condom, no blur, no artistic avoidance of genitalia; just full-on, hardcore shower fucking. It`s a very intriguing mix of disgusting violence and in your face eroticism that allows this movie to make you feel turned on and nauseous at the same time. This movie is not recommended for the following groups of people: Catholics, Jews, Republicans, Americans not residing within a coastal state, victims of sexual assault, prudes, parents and (spoiler) people who don`t like vaginal mutilation or blood-cum.

Having gotten that out of the way, this is a beautifully made movie. If only the contents weren`t so shocking and overwhelming, I really would`ve enjoyed it a lot more. The music is very moving, the shots artfully composed and the slow-motion that`s captured is so detailed and rich. It`s definitely not the work of a B-movie team that just wants to shock their audience. It`s more like the experimental work of an experienced artist who is well versed in how to exquisitely portray the most haunting of images in a way that`s somewhat stomachable.

Do not, under any circumstances, see this movie with your girlfriend unless she`s super cool and well adjusted and has seen something that could train her for this like Deliverance or Requiem for a Dream. This is definitely a 400 level senior seminar in the realm of shocking movies. So the least one can do before watching it is take the 101 introductory course.

- B

Dog Day Afternoon (1975)

 Dog Day Afternoon - Trailer

$5.00 out of $5.00

Now we're talking!!! This movie was the reaaaallllll deal!!!

No wonder this is a classic and I am going to thank the co-worker that recommended this movie first this Monday morning!

This movie is PERFECT.  On the surface its about a bank robbery, but deep down its much more than that.  A bank robbery goes bad and it turns out the burglars turn into the media heroes and the cops are the villains.  Amazing story, and even more amazing that its based on a true story!!! Are you kidding!??!

Al Pacino is absolutely brilliant in this movie, no big suprise, and his character is totally relatable.  The movie has the perfect mix of light humor and violence, amazing dialogue and a strong message.  Like any great movie, not a scene, or a line was wasted. 

If you haven't seen this movie, do it now! BRILLIANT!!!

Transporter, The (2002)

The Transporter - Trailer

1.5 Chinese Accents out of 5

I was stupid enough to think this would be different than any other Jason Statham movie I have ever watched.  I am a complete idiot for thinking so.

This movie lacked everything except new and fun fighting scenes.  Hence the half a chinese accent it was able to squeeze out on my rating.

Speaking of chinese accents, the girl that was cast to be this guy's love interest turned out to be one of the most uninteresting and downright terrible characters of all time.  She was terrible in every way! And on top of that, she had such a thick accent you could hardly understand a word she was saying.  I almost thought subtitles were necessary.

This was a complete joke.  Jackie Chan movies at least had some decent humor in them, and they were cute.  I'd also like to add I could understand Jackie Chan. 

This movie is just terrible aside from the fight scenes.  Yes, it's mildly entertaining, Crank 1 and 2 were much better.  I will probably still end up seeing the other transporters though...

-Gerard