Splice (2010)

Trailer

(2 european noses out of 5)

Alright. Just watched this little mistake last night. I will spoil this movie for you. Fair warning. So I missed most of the opening because I was eating dinner and talking during the exposition but let`s not kid ourselves. This movie did not need to be understood on any other level other than the most basic.

Adrian Brody and this annoying Julianne Moore-looking actress without the Julianne Moore talent are scientists at this lab that`s looking for some protein to cure some disease or produce stronger Botox, whatever. They create the thing you see in the trailer but it bites the annoying bitch and gets some human DNA in it so it becomes a hybrid. This is all extremely groundbreaking cinema so far, right? No one has ever done this before in any movies called Species or Alien so we should all be very impressed and intrigued.

I was watching this movie with my friend and he said that it made the movie better if you watched Adrian Brody act with this thought in mind: He obviously was asked to do this movie by some grade school friend who became a low level director out of film school and so throughout the entire movie, after every line, you can just imagine him delivering it with all the disdain of going on the big shop with your mom on a friday afternoon at the grocery store. His character is very reluctant to interact with the hybrid creature so he`s always got that "Are you serious? I have to do this?" look on his face and this added bit of background information makes the movie infinitely more enjoyable.

Apart from the bad acting from Adrian Brody which was introduced to us in Predators and reaffirmed in this film, the hybrid creature isn`t all that bad to watch. It doesn`t talk, just makes sounds, so we don`t have to worry about any bullshit alien-speak like in E.T. All that phoning home nonsense is just unnecessary. However, since the hybrid bit the girl character, the hybrid has taken on her characteristics. No, not the actress`s doughy body, red hair or height/weight proportions. Just her reproductive organs...which changes our hero Adrian Brody from "reluctant towards" the hybrid to "sexually attracted to" the hybrid. Natural progression, obviously.

Needless to say, but I will say it anyway, Brody finds him self inside the alien girl, who while on top in cowboy position, sprouts bat-like wings and gyrates like a pro. Keep in mind that the hybrid is completely bald, has wide-ass eyes and inverted skinny legs like a deer. Yup. And he doesn`t stop going either. He only stops after being caught by the Julianne Moore disappointment and runs out to apologize, effectively estranging the alien hybrid for good and creating an enemy.

It was actually a fun movie to watch if you can get past the mindless plot and shallow acting. Probably the best part for me, for exclusively nauseous reasons, is when the female hybrid alien rapes the actress with its tail. A pretty raw and horrible image but the rape is proceeded with the alien`s first spoken words that she/it learned from the actress, "Inside you." Nasty, right? Plus the alien`s tail has a razor sharp claw on the end of it so we can all imagine how comfortable that would be inserted anywhere, especially in such a dry and deserty non-lubricated moment such as when one is being attacked by a hybrid alien creature.

The movie ends with the now pregnant actress signing a contract to turn the baby over for scientific observation, very much leaving it open for a sequel which I hope will not be made...unless Adrian Brody has any more friends from grade school.

- Bill

Don`t watch this movie unless you`re tripping or want to break up with the person you`re watching it with.