Machete (2010)

(4 tacos out of 5)

Trailer

This movie was fantastic.

Robert Rodriguez, who directed Planet Terror (2007) for the Grindhouse double-feature with Quentin Tarantino`s Death Proof makes good on his promise to present us with a Mexploitation film starring Danny Trejo, the pretty-famous-but-can`t-remember-his-name-but-I-saw-him-play-the-Mexican-henchman-in-like-almost-every-movie movie star who is in all reality, a Mexican ex-convict who spent around 11 years total in 3 California prisons after growing up as a child drug addict. Back in 2007, Rodriguez and Tarantino created some fake trailers to put at the beginning of their double feature and one of them was a ridiculously racist and over-violent movie called Machete. Despite thoroughly enjoying the trailer, I assumed that it was a joke trailer, albeit a well made one, and threw away that memory, happily moving on to the main feature. However, Rodriguez is not a kidder. He`s actually gone through with it and created the ridiculous movie to go along with the ridiculous trailer and even though it`s ridiculous, I would watch it again right now.

Trejo plays an ex-federal agent who gets caught in the middle of a politically driven sabotage plot to get Robert DeNiro`s character elected so that he can put up Arizonaesque electric fences along the southern state`s border to keep out the Mexicans. This plot is loosely followed throughout the movie`s 105 minutes of fantastic violence (I actually had to look away because I was eating chips and salsa at the time) and unbridled objectification of not only Mexicans but women as well. Sooooo much fun.

Other stars in the movie include Jessica Alba, Michelle Rodriguez and everyone`s favorite car accident, Lindsay Lohan. Alba is a Mexican-American agent who hangs out around the migrant worker pickup area every day looking for clues related to the local Mexican vigilante, creatively named She. Alba is such a doofus, I love it. To work out at home and train for her job as a federal agent, she plays Wii boxing. To stake-out suspects, she wears 6-inch heels. To speak to her fellow Mexican brethren, she says "Soy migra," and then proceeds to read them their rights in high level, native speed English. She is a classic study in dichotomy and unreasonable douchebaggery and I recommend you watch this movie ASAP.

On to Michelle Rodriguez. Despite her last name, she is not related to the director but Danny Trejo is (second cousins). How`d ya like that tidbit? Courtesy of IMDB. Rodriguez plays Luz, the alias of the vigilante She, who runs this underground railroad-like network that hustles the Mexies across the border to America. She is awesome. She works in a taco grease truck by the migrant worker pickup area and even has a fucking bumper sticker which advertises She as a local hero. Very undercover. In the movie, she gets shot in the eye and left for dead. However, she comes blazing back later on with a hotass eye patch, cargo pants, two guns and a black bikini top. Girl is ready for battle. A battle in which judges will score her on poise, walk, talent, style and overall personality. She also takes the opportunity to jump Machete`s bones while he`s recovering from an attack earlier in the movie. This is after she blesses him with an egg and cracks it under his bed in order to heal him with some sort of backward santeria bullshit. All in all, Rodriguez is a better character than Alba because in my heart, I just feel that she doesn`t take herself as seriously in this movie as Alba does. She`s having fun and you can tell. Alba`s blank eyes and pouty lips just tell you that she`s a little confused, can`t remember whose line it is and hopes her boobs look good. Don`t worry, Alba. Your boobs look fine. Now who`s a good girl? Who`s a good girl? That`s right. You are!

Finally, the lovely Lohan. We are first introduced to Lohan when she is rescued by her father, who walks into a drug den, shoots every dealer at point blank, opens the closet door underneath the stairs and pulls out an overdosed, overbleached, tied-up has been. Later in the movie, we see her again as she seduces Machete in a threesome with her own mother. She is topless for most of her role in this movie. I miss the good days of Mean Girls. Is this just me? She later dons a nun`s habit and kills some other people but after the threesome, any time I saw her face, I just grabbed another nacho and did a slow dip.

Machete takes itself seriously enough so that it looks as if it were made back in the times of big, silly action movies with weak plots. But, because of how seriously it takes itself, no one ever breaks character or does a stupid joke or try to graduate to today`s "awkward humor" in order to win over the audience. This movie knows it`s silly and relishes in it. You can totally get lost in this movie and enjoy it for the bloody, crazy and carefully crafted movie that it is. That being said, there was a lot of iPhone use in this movie, something that always irritates me. Just use a regular cell phone. Apple doesn`t need any more advertising.

You should definitely see this movie. See it by yourself. See it with a friend. Probably you shouldn`t see it with your girlfriend unless she`s bro-friendly and kind of chill and can appreciate this kind of movie and not judge it all like, "Oh my god, this movie was like totally stupid and the script was weak and it was just, like, too violent, you know? Like, there were so many guns and the girls were all like, stupid, and so I just don`t like it. Let`s go to Cinnabon." If your girlfriend sounds like that, don`t bring her.

- B