Lincoln (2012)

Lincoln - Trailer

3.5 Sally Field rambling complains out of 5

This is a tough review.  This film was a highly anticipated one by movie-goers, myself included.

My motivation was primarily fueled by Daniel Day Lewis more so than the movie itself.  My excitement was met halfway, and here is why:

The plot was mildly interesting, and I was glad to see the plot was about Lincoln and his 13th amendment more so than Lincoln himself, that was refreshing.  Costumes were good, sets were elaborate, and the learning experience was fruitful.  Steven Spielberg is always solid as well.  What became annoying over time was Sally Field playing Mrs. Lincoln and Joseph Gordon-Levitt playing Lincoln's eldest son.  Although the acting by these two must be respected, their characters are beyond annoying with their long winded woe is me rants about how their lives suck.  This becomes a bit much, because myself as well as others in the audience become noticeably agitated by the constant complaining by these two.  Any time this movie picked up steam one or both enter stage left and proceed to defecate all over the movie.  I get it, your life sucks.  For those who go to this movie, use their scenes as an opportunity to sneak a bathroom visit in, because the movie is also very long.

The see-saw battle between Lincolns family with the rest of the movie is evident but still worth a watch since this movie will most likely be in the discussion for "movie of the year."  Also, by the looks of it, Daniel Day Lewis should be nominated for best actor as well.

Hanna (2011)

Trailer

4 upside down mushrooms hanging from the ceiling out of 5

This movie was sick. It was also very reminiscent of Kill Bill, particularly the opening scene of each. Watch both and tell me they`re not related. I dare ye.

So, Hanna, played by Saoirse Ronan (pronounced sur-shuh), is an adorable little girl living in the forest with her pop-pop, a hairy and unkempt but still somewhat attractive Eric Bana (pronounced boh-ring). We learn in the exposition that Bana has been training Hanna to be able to fend for herself not only in the forest but in a variety of situations. They`re fighting, hunting, cooking, disembowling, shooting, etc. He`s super tough on her but always has his eye out for her. Bana knows tough love.

So this is not just a typical person-with-cool-abilities movie. Hanna`s never left the forest since she was brought there as a baby. So when she does leave (you`ve been spoiled!), although being extremely prepared physically, historically and linguistically, she`s extremely overwhelmed by things such as electricity and other humans in general. It`s interesting to see how a deft girl who`s so confident in the forest is thrust into a totally new environment and rendered almost immobile by simple things we take for granted. A nice touch compared to the unwavering badassery of the characters typically portrayed in assassin-ish movies.

Cate Blanchett is probably the best character in this movie after Hanna. She plays Hanna`s nemesis, Marissa Weigler, a tough bitch with Ariel-red hair who pays intense attention to the cleanliness of her gums. Really good character. I love seeing Cate Blanchett as a horrible woman. She is excellent at it. You will thoroughly enjoy her search for Hanna as well as her collection of business pumps displayed in this movie.

Definitely see this movie if you like action, snow, foreign languages and camera tricks that are influenced by the characters` emotions. Bring your girlfriend, too. Because if you leave her at home, she might flip that fucking switch and set off a riot. You`ll see what I mean.

- Bill

Abduction (2011)

Trailer

2 pouty shark faces out of 5.

I`m not ashamed to admit I`ve followed the Twilight series with the same zeal as a tween girl and so I`m equally unashamed to review this attempt at establishing Taylor "Guesswhatmyshirtisoffagain" Lautner as a serious actor.

Abduction is pretty fun. If you are looking for some fast action, hand-to-hand combat and lots of chasing, look no further. However, if you are looking to be impressed by Lautner`s emotional range, you might want to go back to Twilight where at least he becomes a wolf when he`s angry. In Abduction, he just looks at stuff off camera for a few seconds whenever needs to express something unspoken. I guess it must work for people whose abs are insured.

It`s an entertaining story involving witness-protection-programesque secrets, CIA handlers and one or two pretty foreseeable twists that still deliver despite their written-for-cromagnon set-ups. Lautner honestly doesn`t have his shirt off as much in this movie, although it can be argued that a few more shirt-changing scenes couldn`t have hurt the overall aesthetic of the movie. After all, he was on the run a lot and if we`re following Harrison`s Fugitive rules, then we should have had a few more ab-revealing costume changes.

I will say that Lautner definitely worked very hard on the physical aspects of this movie. Towards the end, he gets the chance to do some of his own parkour-ish stunts and pulls them off well. Those are when he really shines I think. But when asked to portray some of the more $5 emotions like "sadness leading to vengeance" or "beat down but goal-oriented", I just don`t think he pulls it off. He doesn`t seem like much of a thinker so when he comes up with this well-thought-out plan to bait and trap the enemy, it`s pretty unbelieveable that he considered such details.

I can`t believe I almost forgot this one... Lautner`s character is seeing a therapist played by Sigourney Weaver. I was unimpressed. He has this little speech during one of their sessions that`s the classic "I feel so different from everyone else. Like I just don`t fit in. I don`t know what`s wrong with me..." bullshit we`d expect to hear from characters played by Jesse Eisenberg. But hearing that kind of line from Lautner is like hearing NorthFace/Ugg-wearing white girls complain about hair straightening products. Shut up already.

You could waste your time in worse ways than seeing this movie. Just be ready for your girlfriend`s post movie request to join a gym, stop playing WoW so much and to sign up for kickboxing with her on Wednesday nights from 7 to 9.

- Bill

Frozen (2010)

Trailer

2 chairlifts out of 5

A classic case of the movie being just a 90 minute version of the 2 minute trailer.  Although I wouldn't classify this movie as bad, it's also far from good.  Points go toward a good idea, because it's playing on a fear all skier and snowboarders have thought about, but the execution and fear factor was just mediocre.  The catch here is that the mountain is open Fridays thru Sundays only...maybe living in the northeast leaves me naive but I've never heard of that.

In my opinion this movie would have been better if the victim's experiences were as a result of a recently laid off chair lift operator's anger.  That would have opened up more avenues for scarier "moments" and additional story lines for the movie.

I guess this movie was okay though.  Mildly entertaining, potentially worth a watch just so you can say you did. 

Man on Fire (2004)

Man on Fire (Trailer)

3 cut off fingers out of 5

Ah.....The movie cover says it all.  Let's inspect the cover and see if we can withdraw a potential movie plot from it. 

Denzel in the foreground protecting Dakota Fanning.  They are probably not related but he somehow has some connection to her that he has taken the role of protector.  Reading perhaps a bit deeper one could conclude that the two colors in the background represent good and evil, or darkness and light, and that somehow plays in too.

Turns out that's exactly what the plot was, but what do we expect? It's your typical Denzel movie.  Your standard kinda cool thriller with a predictable ending but with a couple unexpected twists and turns along the way.  For two hours you are shown alternating scenes where Denzel shows how much of a bad ass he is followed up by character building scenes where he shows emotion, and the pattern repeats over and over.


Some notes at random on the movie:

A creative way Denzel's character bonded with Dakota Fanning's was the whole swimming competition thing.  That was a pretty effective way of the on screen bond building between the two.  Good choice.

This movie is 2 and a half hours.  A bit long but it's done in a way that doesn't seem that long.  1 hour 15 minutes of buildup is followed up by 1 hour and 15 minutes of Denzel Washington completely losing his mind.

Denzel has a great "Who's the Boss?!?!?!" line.  Cute.

There is a scene where Denzel places a bomb literally inside a man, in a way no man ever wants a bomb to be put inside them.  You get the idea.  This scene was entertaining.


Overall, the Mickey Rourke appearance and the tear jerker ending saved this pretty forgettable movie from being a total loser.  The movie may have been able to be shorter than 2.5 hours too.  Watch this movie is you have some time to kill and want to see some cool innovative ways to torture and kill people.  The relationships are forgettable, but a couple of the story twists at least make this movie bearable.

Catfish (2010)

Trailer

4.5 sexts out of 5


I LOVE IT when I`m not explicitly positive whether or not a documentary is true or not. I know that there are a lot of good reasons why I shouldn`t believe this story but I really do want to believe it. Now, unfortunately, this is one of those movies that just can not be thoroughly discussed without giving away the money-shot of the entire idea so I`m going to be a good little Jewish boy (like a Schulman) and not spoil this one for all the tens of readers we have because this. movie. is. worthit!

You should definitely watch this movie if you enjoy the following things:

- Jewish boys from Brooklyn
- the Internet
- documentaries
- MTV`s Real Life show minus the moxy of Tabitha Soren
- crazy mind games
- love stories
- crazy Americans
- movie-induced emotional stress

So that`s all for now. I told you I wasn`t going to spoil it for you. Because I`m sooooo glad that I didn`t have it spoiled for me. Put down Angry Birds on your iPad and close the Facebook application on your iPhone for an hour and a half and just enjoy this movie. You will thank me later by commenting and not just Gerard.

Definitely see this movie with your girlfriend but only if you`ve actually met your girlfriend before.

- Bill

GANTZ (2011)

Trailer

2 big, black, ominous balls out of 5

**I will spoil this movie for you. But it`s not worth watching. Trust me.

Let me start by saying that for a Japanese movie, this movie wasn`t that horrendous. Recent Japanese films (with possibly the exception of Okuribito or Departures [English release title] for those that were into it) have been utter shit. I`m not saying that American films are the industry standard. They, too, are often garbage. I`m just saying that recently, Japanese films are pretty horrible. I`ve seen about 1 or 2 in my life (animes) that weren`t a complete waste of time and money but most of the others have been absolute abortions. I`m sorry. But this is true and many Japanese people are aware of this.

This movie, based on a very popular manga series, is a combination of earlier manga storylines (Deathnote) as well as the movies Battle Royale and The Matrix, which, as good as it was at the time, doesn`t need to be reincarnated. We can all torrent it and relive it as much as we would ever possibly need to. Why make a whole new mess out of things with irresponsibly similar spin-offs? Anyway, here`s what the movie is supposed to be about:

- If you die and are chosen by the naked foreigner who lives on life support inside a big, black metallic ball in an unfurnished apartment in Tokyo, then you have been given, without any explanation, the chance to live again.

- In this second life, you must put on an unflattering leather suit which enhances your strength and fight any amount of aliens/robots/statue monsters in one night in a specified time period which changes every night. Still with me? I`m sorry.

- If you die while fighting whatever abomination is out to get you that night, then you die for real and you`re replaced the next night with new people who have recently died.

- If you succeed in the killing and actually aid in it, then you will be awarded points for that evening. Once your points total 100, you have the option of either 1. erasing your memory and returning to real life or 2. reviving someone who`s died in the past.

- Those who succeed in the killing each night wake up in their homes the next day as if nothing has happened and are then transported back to the game world every night until they fail/die or succeed and earn more points.

At first, the whole idea of the game was pretty intriguing, I have to admit. I paid attention and really the whole idea of it, but in the same way that I`ve already enjoyed The Matrix and Battle Royale and Deathnote and The Most Dangerous Game and the list goes on. This movie broke no new real ground. But it sure did try.

Why the movie sucked:

- One character, Kishimoto, who is portrayed by someone who believes himself to be a good actor, speaks with a crooked mouth. This is incessantly annoying and absolutely unnecessary. He`s trying to do the whole jaded, burnt out, overworked and a little bit crazy thing and it is NOT working. He just looks assymetric and you`ll want to slap him symmetric. What a tool.

- In Japanese culture, in order to be polite, many people utilize something I`ve come to call the "faux shock". This is comprised of a quick expression of air from your mouth as if you were about to speak, sometimes combined with a barely audible murmur or monosyllabic utterance similar to an "um". It`s used almost as a warm up to speaking or as a bumper between words as if the listener needs to "get ready" to listen or the speaker has to humble himself and act subservient. It`s a very natural and common thing I`ve observed and it`s present in all situations whether business, casual or familiar. And it`s ALL OVER THIS MOVIE. Every time someone looks like they`re about to say something intelligible, the just open their mouth and make that sound but because it`s a movie, it`s accompanied by a variety of dumbass expressions too. I wouldn`t hate on the faux shock so much if that`s all it was and they got on with their conversations but they DON`T! Many scenes are cut off on a shot with the actor in post-faux shock IlooklikeI`vejustbeentakenfrombehind mode. This is a picky bitch complaint but let me have it.

- EVERYTHING is slow and drawn out. This movie could have taken place in about 60% of the time that it actually lasted. Every shot is way too long and every zoom-in/out is overdone and every expression`s last 3 seconds is unnecessary. Even if you pressed the fast forward button every 10 seconds throughout the duration of this movie, you will have seen the exact same movie I did last night.

- Japanese actors are reaction masters. All anyone does in this movie is stand around, act shocked and react emotionally and slowly to everything that happens. Monsters are running directly at you? Just stand there and stare at them. You`ll be fine. Someone`s pointing a gun at your face? Just stare them down. Things will work themselves out, don`t worry.

- You`ve got a gun and a clear shot and no one is in danger yet. Do you shoot? Of course not, you`re busy staring at something. Every enemy that appears in this movie is, at several points per scene, extremely vulnerable and just asking to die. However, no one ever shoots at the monster during this time. Everyone waits until the monster is about to kill them to take a shot. It`s kind of like the group fighting rule, right? If one person is fighting a group of ninjas, do they ever attack all at once and kill the person and be done? Nope. They all wait in their respective positions in their intimidation circle and do the Mortal Kombat pre-fight jiggle. Imagine that kind of irritating feeling of seeing all the actors just waiting around for their turn, replace the impressive martial art sequences with CGI bullshit and you`ve just seen Gantz.

- The monsters are ridiculous. Seriously, the first monster they have to kill is called Onion Alien. Seriously. I watched a version that was dubbed, very well in fact, in English and so I thought something stupid like that would just have been the translator`s fault. But no, even the Japanese characters in the original movie say Onion Alien (ねぎ星人). Fucking come on, man. Other monsters include a robot rugby player, temple guardian statue (have we seen Tomb Raider?), many-armed Shiva-looking statue and a giant Buddha.

If you think this movie doesn`t sound half bad, take the time out of your life to see it. But you can never get that time back. You just cantz. WOMP WOMP.