3 out of 5 living vines
@BretEastonEllis was right when he said via Twitter, "The Ruins is a totally underrated horror film". Curious about what one of my favorite non-horror author`s horror recommendation would be, I quickly downloaded and enjoyed this movie with a nice bowl of rice, fried tofu and lots of sesame seeds.
Like myself, most fans of B-horror films will understand that no one really famous ever signs up for these movies, only those stars who are on their way to possibly becoming famous. That being said, I was surprised to see Jena Malone of Saved! glory as the lead actress. Honestly, I thought she would have gotten better work after having done that movie but I guess I was wrong. Either that or the call of a hot-body horror flick was just too strong to resist.
Also appearing is Shawn Ashmore, better known to me previously as Iceman from the X-Men trilogy (soon to be a prequel! SCORE.) Although Ashmore wasn`t astounding in the mutant action-drama, I still had him pegged in my head as at least a decent person because he was part of the team. I know, it`s ridiculous to give movie stars actual, real-life credit for things their agents may choose for them, but that`s how I work. Anyway, even after being afforded that extra credit, Ashmore still failed me in this movie, despite his awesome college-hippie-beard.
Getting into the story, it`s your typical moronic-Americans-on-vacation setup with 2 couples at a resort who meet a nice German-ish guy who happens to know someone working at an archaeological dig site far from the comfy resort at which they`re currently lounging by the pool. Once the group is able to convince Malone`s Ms. Goody Two-Shoes to go on the adventure, the ominous music sets in and we sit back, ready to take in the heavy foreshadowing as well as gratuitous nudity that all but guarantees certain death before the credits roll.
From there on, the story develops respectably well and we`re at least treated to a plot twist or two before everyones dead. Kidding! Not everyone dies, you know. I`m sure we`ve all seen enough horror movies by now (think Halloween or Scream) to know that there`s gotta be at least 1 character left over at the end to keep things open and profitable for a sequel, should the production gods deem it so.
If you like gore or at least a more dramatically necessary type of gore that`s not just Saw gore, I think you`ll get your fill in this movie. As usual, I had to scrub past the gore due to the yet to be eaten rice and tofu, juicily gazing at me from my bowl. Honestly, in what movie would missing the gory scene really affect your overall understanding of the movie? If I can guess what`s going to happen before it actually happens and then review the event through the dialogue afterwards, I don`t see why I should have to waste precious dream-energy to fight off an unreasonably macabre dream later that night. I`m sure whatever I imagine will be just as horrible, if not worse than what any special effects supervisor can show me. But just to be sure of my belief, I did a quick scrub back through the gore and was proven right. For no reason would I ever have needed to see that and regret seeing it because now as I`m typing about it, I`m having phantom pains in my knee.
Sidenote, if you can speak any sort of Spanish... Forget that. If you can order from a Taco Bell Menu, then you will be enjoyably appalled at every actor`s complete lack of any language ability at all in this movie. Seriously, it`s really fun to watch. One girl tries to communicate with the locals in a stressful situation and her boyfriend, the great Jonathan Tucker, calls her back with the "leave it to me, I know what I`m doing" look. He then proceeds to look at the local man in question with a serious face and says, "Señor". Yup. That`s his big situation-controlling line of strongarm negotiation. When the man, who`s obviously an indigenous Mayan (because they said so 2 minutes earlier) doesn`t understand his amazing linguistic feat, he says it two or three times more, each time getting more and more impassioned but sadly without even a "por favor", he soon gives up. Thankfully, this character doesn`t do much more talking until the end of the movie when he makes an impassioned go-down-fighting speech to the other characters. This is the point when we are finally made aware of Jonathan Tucker`s speech impediment. Tucker had hidden it pretty well before this point but in this speech, we are showerd with more "not S, but SH" glory that most people can handle in a single sitting. I hope that this lisp was a strange character choice and not how Tucker actually talks because that would be a bit disappointing to have that voice matched with such a good body. However, the only quote from The O.C. I can remember certainly would ring true here, "God doesn`t give with both hands."
And that brings us to the end of the movie. I`m trying harder now to not spoil the movie for our thousands of readers who have yet to see each film. We wouldn't want any sour pusses now would we? You should definitely see this movie if you enjoy cheesy horror movies with unreasonable plots and half naked actors.
- B
