Radio (2003)

Radio - Trailer

4 P.C. stars out of 5

I'll say this up front and be clear. This movie with your standard "decent" actor gets a 2 out of 5. This movie with one of the better actors of our day gets a 3 out of 5. Cuba Gooding Jr. pushes this movie to a 4 of 5.

This movie is loosely based on a true story, so I won't joke too much or start going on my typical ripping rampage. There is a small handful of rips I have ready, but will save that until the end.

The concept behind this movie is a pretty decent one. James Kennedy, a severely mentally handicapped kid (or so we are forced to assume he's a kid, but it doesn't matter) roams around town aimlessly (for what we are led to believe is for years) until a high school football coach and athletic director takes an interest in him.

When the Coach begins showing interest in the kid, I say to myself...Ok, this movie will have that typical worst to first, against all odds, david and goliath, type of plot. I was expecting "Rudy" except Rudy isn't small and undersized this time, he is a mentally handicapped kid from the neighborhood, whatever. Really predictable stuff. I was wrong! The kid actually never played football with the team, which I was pleased to see. I admire that the writers resisted temptation and didn't cave in and make him become a football player and score a state championship winning touchdown....that would have been lame.

Regardless, Radio was basically an assistant coach with the football team, then the basketball team, then did the morning announcements before school, etc etc. Although the acting by Cuba Gooding Jr. was stellar, and even Ed Harris came in with a great performance, what was actually happening in the movie was a bit boring. In between football and basketball seasons, radio found time to give announcements over the school pa system, get arrested, have christmas, have his mom die, go into the girls room by mistake. I guess that's the one down side to a "based on a true story" movie.

On a more random note:
The Basketball Coach looked like Kevin James, that was a bit distracting at times. I was rolling my eyes at the "villian" of the story, which was the dad of the start football and basketball star for some reason had it out for Radio. Seemed like a very forced story line to me. Maybe it happened in real life, maybe it didn't, but regardless, it was really dumb, and kind of annoying. Lastly, in what I saw a lame attempt to periodically bring any dumb audience members up to speed, Ed Harris would every so often enter a barber shop, and get questioned by the patrons, effectively making it nauseatingly obvious what the "town folk" were thinking and what Ed Harris was thinking. The barber shop scenes would also kind of give away what would happen next.

Good job Cuba Gooding Jr. You are a legend.

-Gerard

Platoon (1986)

Platoon - Trailer

5 of 5 dogtags.

Wow. No wonder this movie won best picture! This movie exemplifies what a good movie is made of. This is going to go down as one of the best movies I have ever seen.

I'm all about joking and poking fun at movies, but this movie is just a piece of pure brilliance. I'd be hard pressed trying to find some obscure corner of this movie where something is misplaced or sloppily done. Everything in this movie had a purpose, no scenes were wasted...every word, sentence, paragraph, and facial expression was perfectly done.


What a story. The only thing I regret about this movie is that I wasn't around in 1986 to experience society's reaction, this movie must have gotten one hell of a reception.

Charlie Sheen is your typical young, well off, entitled, spoon fed 20 something year old who volunteers to go to Vietnam. He gets there, he enters a troop primarily of draftees of all walks of life. Immediately you see he's excited yet scared to be there, he's innocent, naive, eager to learn what stands before him. A feeling we can all easily associate with, it's what any normal guy would be thinking. He counts the days he's been there but he'll soon find out why his fellow troop-mates count down until they leave.

Time passes, he's involved in a battle or two, and a real heavy scene where his troop enters a village, and sees and experiences things he didn't think humans were capable of doing to each other. He often takes the higher ground, as you'd like to think you would. Slowly his innocence is robbed (is there no greater crime?). In a way, he slowly becomes the very type of person he was mortified by upon first entering Vietnam.

This movie really hits home with me because when I first see Charlie Sheen entering Vietnam, I say "Hey, that's pretty much how I would be." By the end of the movie, Charlie Sheen is a completely different man, having seen and even done things he couldn't imagine doing in a million years, but yet, I still say "Hey, that's pretty much how I would be." It makes me wonder..."Is this what people act like after being exposed to the horribleness of War? OR Is this what people are really like?"

This movie takes total control of your emotion and thoughts, and throws and twists them around at it's will. If you truly watch this movie, you are at the complete mercy of the movie. This mixed in with some heavy scenes and one of the most emotional movie endings I've ever been a part of, make this an easy score for me. A 5 for 5.

Fun Fact: Movie is loosely based on director Oliver Stone's experiences in Vietnam.

This will go down as one of my worst reviews in history because as the groom always says at the end of every episode of Bridezillas..."Words cannot describe how I feel about you, but here are a few words I prepared..."

Machete (2010)

(4 tacos out of 5)

Trailer

This movie was fantastic.

Robert Rodriguez, who directed Planet Terror (2007) for the Grindhouse double-feature with Quentin Tarantino`s Death Proof makes good on his promise to present us with a Mexploitation film starring Danny Trejo, the pretty-famous-but-can`t-remember-his-name-but-I-saw-him-play-the-Mexican-henchman-in-like-almost-every-movie movie star who is in all reality, a Mexican ex-convict who spent around 11 years total in 3 California prisons after growing up as a child drug addict. Back in 2007, Rodriguez and Tarantino created some fake trailers to put at the beginning of their double feature and one of them was a ridiculously racist and over-violent movie called Machete. Despite thoroughly enjoying the trailer, I assumed that it was a joke trailer, albeit a well made one, and threw away that memory, happily moving on to the main feature. However, Rodriguez is not a kidder. He`s actually gone through with it and created the ridiculous movie to go along with the ridiculous trailer and even though it`s ridiculous, I would watch it again right now.

Trejo plays an ex-federal agent who gets caught in the middle of a politically driven sabotage plot to get Robert DeNiro`s character elected so that he can put up Arizonaesque electric fences along the southern state`s border to keep out the Mexicans. This plot is loosely followed throughout the movie`s 105 minutes of fantastic violence (I actually had to look away because I was eating chips and salsa at the time) and unbridled objectification of not only Mexicans but women as well. Sooooo much fun.

Other stars in the movie include Jessica Alba, Michelle Rodriguez and everyone`s favorite car accident, Lindsay Lohan. Alba is a Mexican-American agent who hangs out around the migrant worker pickup area every day looking for clues related to the local Mexican vigilante, creatively named She. Alba is such a doofus, I love it. To work out at home and train for her job as a federal agent, she plays Wii boxing. To stake-out suspects, she wears 6-inch heels. To speak to her fellow Mexican brethren, she says "Soy migra," and then proceeds to read them their rights in high level, native speed English. She is a classic study in dichotomy and unreasonable douchebaggery and I recommend you watch this movie ASAP.

On to Michelle Rodriguez. Despite her last name, she is not related to the director but Danny Trejo is (second cousins). How`d ya like that tidbit? Courtesy of IMDB. Rodriguez plays Luz, the alias of the vigilante She, who runs this underground railroad-like network that hustles the Mexies across the border to America. She is awesome. She works in a taco grease truck by the migrant worker pickup area and even has a fucking bumper sticker which advertises She as a local hero. Very undercover. In the movie, she gets shot in the eye and left for dead. However, she comes blazing back later on with a hotass eye patch, cargo pants, two guns and a black bikini top. Girl is ready for battle. A battle in which judges will score her on poise, walk, talent, style and overall personality. She also takes the opportunity to jump Machete`s bones while he`s recovering from an attack earlier in the movie. This is after she blesses him with an egg and cracks it under his bed in order to heal him with some sort of backward santeria bullshit. All in all, Rodriguez is a better character than Alba because in my heart, I just feel that she doesn`t take herself as seriously in this movie as Alba does. She`s having fun and you can tell. Alba`s blank eyes and pouty lips just tell you that she`s a little confused, can`t remember whose line it is and hopes her boobs look good. Don`t worry, Alba. Your boobs look fine. Now who`s a good girl? Who`s a good girl? That`s right. You are!

Finally, the lovely Lohan. We are first introduced to Lohan when she is rescued by her father, who walks into a drug den, shoots every dealer at point blank, opens the closet door underneath the stairs and pulls out an overdosed, overbleached, tied-up has been. Later in the movie, we see her again as she seduces Machete in a threesome with her own mother. She is topless for most of her role in this movie. I miss the good days of Mean Girls. Is this just me? She later dons a nun`s habit and kills some other people but after the threesome, any time I saw her face, I just grabbed another nacho and did a slow dip.

Machete takes itself seriously enough so that it looks as if it were made back in the times of big, silly action movies with weak plots. But, because of how seriously it takes itself, no one ever breaks character or does a stupid joke or try to graduate to today`s "awkward humor" in order to win over the audience. This movie knows it`s silly and relishes in it. You can totally get lost in this movie and enjoy it for the bloody, crazy and carefully crafted movie that it is. That being said, there was a lot of iPhone use in this movie, something that always irritates me. Just use a regular cell phone. Apple doesn`t need any more advertising.

You should definitely see this movie. See it by yourself. See it with a friend. Probably you shouldn`t see it with your girlfriend unless she`s bro-friendly and kind of chill and can appreciate this kind of movie and not judge it all like, "Oh my god, this movie was like totally stupid and the script was weak and it was just, like, too violent, you know? Like, there were so many guns and the girls were all like, stupid, and so I just don`t like it. Let`s go to Cinnabon." If your girlfriend sounds like that, don`t bring her.

- B

Splice (2010)

Trailer

(2 european noses out of 5)

Alright. Just watched this little mistake last night. I will spoil this movie for you. Fair warning. So I missed most of the opening because I was eating dinner and talking during the exposition but let`s not kid ourselves. This movie did not need to be understood on any other level other than the most basic.

Adrian Brody and this annoying Julianne Moore-looking actress without the Julianne Moore talent are scientists at this lab that`s looking for some protein to cure some disease or produce stronger Botox, whatever. They create the thing you see in the trailer but it bites the annoying bitch and gets some human DNA in it so it becomes a hybrid. This is all extremely groundbreaking cinema so far, right? No one has ever done this before in any movies called Species or Alien so we should all be very impressed and intrigued.

I was watching this movie with my friend and he said that it made the movie better if you watched Adrian Brody act with this thought in mind: He obviously was asked to do this movie by some grade school friend who became a low level director out of film school and so throughout the entire movie, after every line, you can just imagine him delivering it with all the disdain of going on the big shop with your mom on a friday afternoon at the grocery store. His character is very reluctant to interact with the hybrid creature so he`s always got that "Are you serious? I have to do this?" look on his face and this added bit of background information makes the movie infinitely more enjoyable.

Apart from the bad acting from Adrian Brody which was introduced to us in Predators and reaffirmed in this film, the hybrid creature isn`t all that bad to watch. It doesn`t talk, just makes sounds, so we don`t have to worry about any bullshit alien-speak like in E.T. All that phoning home nonsense is just unnecessary. However, since the hybrid bit the girl character, the hybrid has taken on her characteristics. No, not the actress`s doughy body, red hair or height/weight proportions. Just her reproductive organs...which changes our hero Adrian Brody from "reluctant towards" the hybrid to "sexually attracted to" the hybrid. Natural progression, obviously.

Needless to say, but I will say it anyway, Brody finds him self inside the alien girl, who while on top in cowboy position, sprouts bat-like wings and gyrates like a pro. Keep in mind that the hybrid is completely bald, has wide-ass eyes and inverted skinny legs like a deer. Yup. And he doesn`t stop going either. He only stops after being caught by the Julianne Moore disappointment and runs out to apologize, effectively estranging the alien hybrid for good and creating an enemy.

It was actually a fun movie to watch if you can get past the mindless plot and shallow acting. Probably the best part for me, for exclusively nauseous reasons, is when the female hybrid alien rapes the actress with its tail. A pretty raw and horrible image but the rape is proceeded with the alien`s first spoken words that she/it learned from the actress, "Inside you." Nasty, right? Plus the alien`s tail has a razor sharp claw on the end of it so we can all imagine how comfortable that would be inserted anywhere, especially in such a dry and deserty non-lubricated moment such as when one is being attacked by a hybrid alien creature.

The movie ends with the now pregnant actress signing a contract to turn the baby over for scientific observation, very much leaving it open for a sequel which I hope will not be made...unless Adrian Brody has any more friends from grade school.

- Bill

Don`t watch this movie unless you`re tripping or want to break up with the person you`re watching it with.

The Expendables (2010)

Trailer

3 bulging bicep veins out of 5.

Man do I love, and I mean LOVE, Sylvester Stallone. You gotta respect the guy who did Rocky, Rocky 2, Rocky 3, Rocky 4, Rocky 5, Rocky 3D, Rocky Revisited, Rocky 0 The Prequel, Rocky Goes to Africa, Animated Rocky, Rocky Vs. Jason, Rocky Vs. Aliens, Rocky Chainsaw Massacre, etc....and for that, the guy will forever have a special place in my heart.

I will be the first to admit, this movie had terrible acting, terrible story, a predictable story, a story with a ton of loopholes, story lines that were introduced and never resolved, scenes that didn't seem to really matter, totally unrealistic scenes, etc. Man was it a fucking mess! BUT IT ALL DOESN'T MATTER. Sly is the MAN!!!

Excluding The Rock aka Dwayne Johnston, this movie had all the guys in Hollywood that are currently jacked out of their minds. This movie was non-stop kick ass action, blood, and guts. I'll watch Stallone kick ass all over the world over and over and over.

I don't even remember what this movie was about, but again...DOESN'T MATTER.

If you are a guy, you must watch this movie. Very entertaining.

I can imagine what Bill Reilly was saying during this movie.... "ewww its too violent" .... "like OMG the story line is so weak" ... "does anyone else see how much Botox Rocky has gotten???????" HAHAHAHA.

- Gerard

Little Nicky (2000)

Trailer

2 pitchforks out of 5.

This movie embodies your typical Adam Sandler movie where he pokes fun at mentally challenged individuals. In my mind, Adam Sandler can only make 2 or 3 types of movies....him playing a character that is essentially him poking fun at mentally challenged people is one of his bread and butters...and this toast is tired of being buttered. I felt like I've seen this movie before, and way better done. Watching this movie was a bit like watching local high school football on tv after watching NFL all my life. Yea its still football, but not the same.

I've always felt that within the "Comedic Arena," Mr. Sandler had pretty good range....in my opinion being able to successfully pull off all sorts of characters, from serious and dramatic in Click, Mr. Deeds, and Big Daddy, to some of his other sillier characters, like The Water Boy, Don't Mess with the Zohan, and Happy Gillmore.

Although this movie is 10 years old, I haven't watched it until now...for some reason the movie never drew me enough to make me want to watch it. My gut was right. This movie was pretty bad. Again, thats tough for me to say since I am generally a fan of his.

I was slightly dissapointed to see many of the supporting characters in this movie were the same exact supporting characters in half of his other movies. Not a big deal, but seemed a bit overdone. I quickly looked up the list of movies he's made...and found a trend that made sense to me. In the mid to late 90's he really got into making movies with all those silly characters we got to know and love....the characters that are probably what made him what he is today. Little Nicky was the last of these types of movies. Again, he just went to the well one to many times with this type of character/movie.

Much kudos however goes to Adam Sandler and whoever else is responsible for seeing that this type of comedy was beginning to be way overdone, and it was time to switch gears....because better movies followed after this debacle.

I spared this film the slamming of the 1 of 5 label due to a handful of decent scenes. I am a fan of the Harlem Globetrotter scene, the dog rape scene (call me Mr. Beefy!!!), the talking dog in general, the idea that a gay relationship between a tit head and a sasquatch looking creature could materialize in hell, the general idea that satan could have a family, and that being the prince of darkness was a role that was passed down from generation to generation. I think all of those ideas together had good potential to be a movie....and thats where it probably should have ended.

Overall, I'm glad I didnt watch this crap when it came out, and I figured out at the time a better way to spend my money then to go see this junk.

-Gerard

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 (2010)

(4 wands out of of 5)
1 point deducted for gratuitous music montage.

Trailer

It`s true. I`m on Team Potter. I`ve never read any of the books but I`ve thoroughly enjoyed each and every movie installment thus far. That`s not completely true. I did try to read the first Harry Potter in Spanish 2 years ago in order to keep up my proficiency while studying Japanese. However, I didn`t foresee how annoying it would be to read words like "muggle" in Spanish, become frustrated after not finding it in my dictionary and finally realizing it`s a made up piece of garbage. This happened several times in the first few pages and so I decided to give up the venture and just Skype random people with castillian-ish e-mail addresses. This was equally as successful. Back to the movie.

I had a really good time in this movie, despite it`s 2.5 hour duration. Sitting still that long is usually pretty difficult, especially in the overheated Japanese theaters that have an ungodly large font size for the subtitles. Half of Potter`s lightning scar is covered up by kanji in every scene. I can`t imagine how any Asian ever succeeds in recognizing any celebrity without a pound of chinese characters all over their face. Can you imagine an entire pound of chinese characters upon your face? Do you know how messy that would be? It`s grammatical bukkake. Some teachers have wet dreams about this stuff. I promise you I am not one of them. Yet.

So, the movie was lots of fun. I love fantastic movies + castles + magic + flying + funny words like *hoarcrux* which does not translate to Japanese well. Shinichi asked me several times during the movie after reading the subtitles, "Bill, what is a slut-cross?" At least he`s trying to make sense of it. Everyone did a good job with their roles, especially my favorite Helena Bonham Carter, who was extra devilish in this installment, even if only for 7 minutes.

The Harry Potter series keeps getting more and more adult-oriented. It`s not a bad thing at all, it`s a very honest and understandable turn for the story to take. However, it does start to get you down after a while. There`s a fair amount of drama in this one between the 3 main characters and that poor Ron Weasley needs to brush his hair once in a while.

At one part of the movie, the three main characters are camping out, on the run and they`re living in this magical tent, protected by magical spells and eating magical foods. Despite all this magic, they`re still caked with dirt and constantly cold. Why don`t they teach these wizards how to do a magical bathing spell? Or possibly a haircut spell? Even a bucket of fried chicken spell would be pretty easy compared to all that "obliviate" and "guardium leviosa" garbage they`re always using. Let`s try something practical guys!

Dumbledor doesn`t waste too much of the screen time in this movie, a nice respite from the lengthy diatribes of episodes past. He`s dead, of course, so you only have to deal with him in quick flashbacks. Good work, screenwriters.

At one point, Hermione tells this fairy tale and the movie turns to animation in order to depict the action and this part is fantastic. The animation is beautiful and elegant and smartly done. I was extremely impressed by this part and hope that the animation team hired to create this section keeps this aesthetic and does some music video work in the future. Their style was very smooth and abstract but told the story so nicely and succinctly that I really think they would succeed if they delved into the music video world, especially if they hooked up with someone funky like Jonsi or Kyte.

On a more random note, Harry Potter takes off his clothes 2 times in this movie. It`s quite unsettling to watch Harry Potter undress so often. Every time he takes his shirt off, all I can think of are all those doctored photos of him from the Eqqus advertisements where he`s naked with a horse. Weird. Or hot. Let`s stick with weird. Bestiality is not yet as commonplace as some would prefer. I swear I am not some.

On a lighter, less creepy note, if you`re really into HP, I highly recommend this YouTube video which is a very fun take on the typically serious story.

- Bill

Walk the Line (Who Cares)

Trailer

1 malformed lip out of 5.

If I could I would give this movie a 0. I'd even consider giving this movie negative points.

I almost feel bad saying such nasty things about a movie I didn't watch more than 20 minutes of, but its my blog, and I can pretty much do what I want.

Yes I only watched 20 Minutes of this movie. Correction, I watched 6 minutes, fell asleep for 13 minutes, and woke up to watch the last 20th minute i could bear watching. Maybe I didn't give this movie a chance, perhaps. Maybe I was sleepy and my falling asleep had nothing to do with this movie, not a chance, I was wide awake.

We have all slept through movies or fallen asleep at some point. I know I have, but to fall asleep within the first 10 minutes? This was the worst movie I have ever seen. I am ashamed this movie even found its way onto my netflix queue.

Put this movie on if you are suffering from insomnia, otherwise, pretend I never even wrote this blog, because the only thing more boring than this movie, is someone writing about this movie!

-Gerard

Be Cool (2005)

Trailer

4 washed up celebrities out of 5.

This movie was highly entertaining. Didn't have that great story that compels you, or the message that leaves you nodding your head in approval, no. This movie was more like a compilation of pretty damn entertaining scenes, starring some real funny people, doing some real funny things.

The Rock is now bumped up a few rungs on my ladder. Love the guy. His role in this film was hilarious 4 out of 5 times. Vince Vaughn's character is both genius and terrible. They mix however to be a pretty darn entertaining character. I found myself really looking forward to the next scene with either of these guys.

This movie would be a 3 of 5, but because of some funny scenes, 4 of 5. If you have any sort of sense of humor, I'd put this on your hit list (no pun intended!!! You have to see the movie to understand)

-Gerard