2 big, black, ominous balls out of 5
**I will spoil this movie for you. But it`s not worth watching. Trust me.
Let me start by saying that for a Japanese movie, this movie wasn`t that horrendous. Recent Japanese films (with possibly the exception of
Okuribito or
Departures [English release title] for those that were into it) have been utter shit. I`m not saying that American films are the industry standard. They, too, are often garbage. I`m just saying that recently, Japanese films are pretty horrible. I`ve seen about 1 or 2 in my life (animes) that weren`t a complete waste of time and money but most of the others have been absolute abortions. I`m sorry. But this is true and many Japanese people are aware of this.
This movie, based on a very popular manga series, is a combination of earlier manga storylines (Deathnote) as well as the movies Battle Royale and The Matrix, which, as good as it was at the time, doesn`t need to be reincarnated. We can all torrent it and relive it as much as we would ever possibly need to. Why make a whole new mess out of things with irresponsibly similar spin-offs? Anyway, here`s what the movie is supposed to be about:
- If you die and are chosen by the naked foreigner who lives on life support inside a big, black metallic ball in an unfurnished apartment in Tokyo, then you have been given, without any explanation, the chance to live again.
- In this second life, you must put on an unflattering leather suit which enhances your strength and fight any amount of aliens/robots/statue monsters in one night in a specified time period which changes every night. Still with me? I`m sorry.
- If you die while fighting whatever abomination is out to get you that night, then you die for real and you`re replaced the next night with new people who have recently died.
- If you succeed in the killing and actually aid in it, then you will be awarded points for that evening. Once your points total 100, you have the option of either 1. erasing your memory and returning to real life or 2. reviving someone who`s died in the past.
- Those who succeed in the killing each night wake up in their homes the next day as if nothing has happened and are then transported back to the game world every night until they fail/die or succeed and earn more points.
At first, the whole idea of the game was pretty intriguing, I have to admit. I paid attention and really the whole idea of it, but in the same way that I`ve already enjoyed The Matrix and Battle Royale and Deathnote and The Most Dangerous Game and the list goes on. This movie broke no new real ground. But it sure did try.
Why the movie sucked:
- One character, Kishimoto, who is portrayed by someone who believes himself to be a good actor, speaks with a crooked mouth. This is incessantly annoying and absolutely unnecessary. He`s trying to do the whole jaded, burnt out, overworked and a little bit crazy thing and it is NOT working. He just looks assymetric and you`ll want to slap him symmetric. What a tool.
- In Japanese culture, in order to be polite, many people utilize something I`ve come to call the "faux shock". This is comprised of a quick expression of air from your mouth as if you were about to speak, sometimes combined with a barely audible murmur or monosyllabic utterance similar to an "um". It`s used almost as a warm up to speaking or as a bumper between words as if the listener needs to "get ready" to listen or the speaker has to humble himself and act subservient. It`s a very natural and common thing I`ve observed and it`s present in all situations whether business, casual or familiar. And it`s ALL OVER THIS MOVIE. Every time someone looks like they`re about to say something intelligible, the just open their mouth and make that sound but because it`s a movie, it`s accompanied by a variety of dumbass expressions too. I wouldn`t hate on the faux shock so much if that`s all it was and they got on with their conversations but they DON`T! Many scenes are cut off on a shot with the actor in post-faux shock IlooklikeI`vejustbeentakenfrombehind mode. This is a picky bitch complaint but let me have it.
- EVERYTHING is slow and drawn out. This movie could have taken place in about 60% of the time that it actually lasted. Every shot is way too long and every zoom-in/out is overdone and every expression`s last 3 seconds is unnecessary. Even if you pressed the fast forward button every 10 seconds throughout the duration of this movie, you will have seen the exact same movie I did last night.
- Japanese actors are reaction masters. All anyone does in this movie is stand around, act shocked and react emotionally and slowly to everything that happens. Monsters are running directly at you? Just stand there and stare at them. You`ll be fine. Someone`s pointing a gun at your face? Just stare them down. Things will work themselves out, don`t worry.
- You`ve got a gun and a clear shot and no one is in danger yet. Do you shoot? Of course not, you`re busy staring at something. Every enemy that appears in this movie is, at several points per scene, extremely vulnerable and just asking to die. However, no one ever shoots at the monster during this time. Everyone waits until the monster is about to kill them to take a shot. It`s kind of like the group fighting rule, right? If one person is fighting a group of ninjas, do they ever attack all at once and kill the person and be done? Nope. They all wait in their respective positions in their intimidation circle and do the Mortal Kombat pre-fight jiggle. Imagine that kind of irritating feeling of seeing all the actors just waiting around for their turn, replace the impressive martial art sequences with CGI bullshit and you`ve just seen Gantz.
- The monsters are ridiculous. Seriously, the first monster they have to kill is called Onion Alien. Seriously. I watched a version that was dubbed, very well in fact, in English and so I thought something stupid like that would just have been the translator`s fault. But no, even the Japanese characters in the original movie say
Onion Alien (ねぎ星人). Fucking come on, man. Other monsters include a robot rugby player, temple guardian statue (have we seen
Tomb Raider?), many-armed Shiva-looking statue and a giant Buddha.
If you think this movie doesn`t sound half bad, take the time out of your life to see it. But you can never get that time back. You just cantz. WOMP WOMP.
Trailer
