The Next Three Days (2010)

Trailer

4 marker-covered-map & newsclipping drawingboards out of 5

Despite Russell Crowe`s past misdeeds, this movie was not bad.

Seriously, it`s suspenseful, realistic and for the most part, believeably entertaining. Russell Crowe plays a father who`s wife is accused of killing her boss with whom she`d fought earlier. So, Mommy`s in jail and the kid`s naturally affected, whatever. Typical story, we`ve seen it before many times but with the mom & dad in opposite places, big whoop. Sidenote: we`ve also seen this kind of situation in the movie Old Dogs, which if you haven`t already seen, definitely do, because it`s even worse than any Nic Cage movie you can think of AND it`s got both Robin Williams and John "not a gay" Travolta starring in it. UNAPOLOGETICALLY BAD. Back on track: so Russell Crowe meets a shady Liam Neeson at a bar and gets some insider info on how to effectively escape from a prison. I haven`t spoiled anything yet, so shut up. This all happens in the exposition.

Anyway, the movie continues on predictably from there with a nice "getting prepared" montage that everyone always loves BUT once the plan sets itself in motion, it gets a lot better. Most of the ways that Crowe goes about his plan are super realistic. His character is just a community college literature professor so all the badassery that he learns comes from shit like blogs and YouTube videos which is not a bad touch, in my opinion. It really lets you relate to the character and he doesn`t really wallow in all the personal hardship bullshit that someone like Tom Hanks or Nic Cage would. He plays a really honest and decent character which is nice to see. No dumbass Robin Hood speeches in generalized British accents in this movie, guys. You can put your colloquial dictionaries away now.

Crowe`s character makes some very real and extremely stressful, lifechanging decisions in this movie that anyone will be able to relate to and enjoy simutaneously albeit in a very "ohmygodifthatweremeIwouldtotesvomit" kind of way.

See this movie. Bring the girlfriend. She`ll ask you about children after the movie and even if you tell the bitch that future children = raised BJ quota now, you will still be alright because you experienced the movie alongside her, giving you a caring and gentle personality by proxy. SCIENCE.

- Bill

PS - My apologies for not having posted in quite some time. I`ve been thoroughly engaged in the BBC series Human Planet, which despite it being an 8 part, 16 hour miniseries about awesome shit, is not a movie and doesn`t really need a review, but DOES deserve a look. It does not disappoint. Other fantastic things taking up my time; The Office, Parks and Recreation, Portlandia and shamelessly, GLEE. That`s right, watch the fuck out when my Glee is on.

Fool's Gold (2008)

Fool's Gold - Trailer

2 Treasures out of 5

This is going to be tough.  There's not much to say here, but I'll admit I was mildly entertained by this movie.  In a strange way I didn't mind watching this.  It's tough to rag too hard on this movie.  It's a chick flick from a mile away, and this is what McConaughey does best.  He is the grand master of chick flicks.  There's got to be some sidestreet storefront somewhere in Hollywood between a non-fat yogurt shop and a hot vinyasa Yoga joint where Matthew McConaughey teaches the fine art of the chick flick.  He should charge top dollar, because there's nobody as good as him.

You know what your going to get from this movie the second you put in the DVD....your standard chick flick in every way shape and form.  From the hopeless romantic love story to the predictable plot to the love lessons that make you roll your eyes....standard chick flick. 

-Gerard

Couples Retreat (2009)

Couples Retreat - Trailer

3 Bungalows out of 5

I'm generally a fan of Vince Vaughn.  The Favreau guy as well.  A lukewarm fan of the other two guys.  None of these guys has been funny for an entire movie since probably 2007-2008.  Put all four together so we only have to endure each guy's jokes 1/4 of the time? Pretty good idea if you ask me.  Vince Vaughn the poor guy...went from duo's to being the star, to now having to be one of four.  It's a sad but necessary evil.  As a former Vince Vaughn fan, I even admit this is probably a good move.  After a while the guy just gets plain annoying, and this cast together split the time up well.

As for the actual movie, it was OK.  It had a pretty decent and unique setting and plot that you've never really seen before, so that's always appreciated.  It's pretty funny at times, other times not really.  "OK" is probably all you need to say when asked about this movie.  The highlight of this movie for me is near the beginning while they still haven't gone on vacation and one couple gives a business style presentation to the other three showing graphs and figures why they are heading towards divorce, cute.

This movie could have potentially squeaked by with a 3.5, until they started giving relationship advice at the end.  Why do some comedies feel the need to have a moral to the story?!?!? I'm sorry but this isn't Aesop's fables and I do not need Vince Vaughan and John Favreau giving me corny relationship advice, it couldn't have come off worse guys!  PLEASE STOP!

This is probably the last movie Vince Vaughan does that's halfway decent.  John Favreau may have 1 or 2 more in him.  Otherwise, say goodbye to these guys.

-Gerard

Powder (1995)

1 Human Defibrillators our of 5.

This is what this blog was created for!!! A sounding board for absolutely terrible movies we could have done without, but are kind of fun to rip on.  This movie was an "epic failure" as they say nowadays and an overall great big heaping piece of shit!  This may be one of the worst movies I have ever seen in my life.

I started this movie mildly excited.  I am a sucker for stories about ridiculously smart and high IQs...great stuff.  I quickly learned this movie took this concept to the extreme and proceeded to butcher that sometimes overdone story line into pieces.

First off, the kids in Powders foster home were a little too hard on him...it was fake as hell.  Real life kids aren't that mean.  The director obviously never experienced bullies in real life...bullies don't act this way!! Yes Mr. Director, I'm calling you out.

This freaking kid quickly goes from "he's very smart" to "healing people".  Come on.  Let's cut out the fantasy stuff for a second, my God.  At the same time the movie tries to get all emotional and tries to tackle the concept of acceptance, feeling of belonging, etc.  FAILURE.  A 10 year old could have done a better job.  Not the mention this guy Powder is the creepiest dude ever.  He's borderline homosexual which is not a problem but he's so sexually awkward about it that it's creepy as hell, something that makes no sense to me because that part of the story is never tied up.  I looked up the director on wikipedia after watching the movie, he is a sex offender....makes sense.

You have to see this movie to believe what a complete piece of crap it is.  My thrashing is not giving this movie a fair description, words can't describe this garbage.  The movie title should be changed from "Powder" to "Predictability".  No story line twists and turns were surprises at all.  Oh wait! There was one surprise! The ending was worse than I could have ever expected.  In a complete cop out move the director just completely ends the movie in a 2 minute scene where you are left saying to yourself "is that really the end of the movie??!??!?!".  I literally checked the main menu of the DVD and the length of the movie on the internet to make sure I didn't have a bad copy, unfortunately, my copy was fine.  If the movie ever had a chance of being 1.5 out of 5 because its cool to have an albino in your movie, the ending solidified its place in it's history as ONE OF THE WORST MOVIES OF ALL TIME.

Watch this movie if you want to laugh at a bad movie.

-Gerard

Grindhouse: Deathproof (2007)

Grindhouse: Deathproof - Trailer 3.5 car chases out of 5 Typical Quentin Tarantino movie I guess? This hour and a half movie is strangely broken up into two 45-minute short stories. I don't really think these two stories are really fully independent from each other nor are they dependent...not sure what the whole point of it was. Perhaps if I spent $100,000 to learn theatre at a liberal arts school I would know. Whatever the case, pretty entertaining movie. Vanessa Ferlito is one of the leads in the first half, and I definitely like her work...she fits that tough but not too tough girl who was originally from the city but now lives in the suburbs with you but still tries to hang onto her city roots. We've all known one. She's in it, and does an amazing dialogue with Kurt Russel, and does a bang up job, check it out. This movie has the best, and I mean BEST car crash you may ever see "on the big screen". A must see. This crash rivals the scene in "Vary Bad Things" when Marv from home alone gets completely obliterated and sandwiched in between a 10 passenger van and a BMW. Also a MUST SEE. Small but yet cheesy cameo by Eli Roth. Tarantino lowered the quality of his movie because of some backroom favor to the guy probably, not interested. Props as always though has to be given to Tarantino who lets you into each character's psyche and way of thinking just from simple but strategic conversations. A brilliant piece of directing in my opinion. Think opening scene of reservoir dogs type stuff. Go see this movie. You'll think it's weird at times, but worth it. -Gerard

Beowulf (2007)

Beowulf Trailer

2 Animated Boob Shots out of 5

This movie embodies the often used "ehhhhh...it was alright" snap shot review by your every day movie goer and amateur critic (not me).

I'm really tempted to go completely off the reservation here on this movie.  There are two things though that stop me from delivering the ultimate verbal thrashing this movie probably deserves, they are: 1. Well done computer animation/graphics, whatever you call it and 2. It's a classic story that is taught and forgotten to every student in this country that has gone to high school.

I'll admit, there were a few moments where I was a bit interested in watching this movie, mainly because of the graphics and effects, but overall I couldn't wait for this shit movie to be over.  Making these computer animated people look like real movie stars just seems stupid to me.  I am also typically against any fantasy non-sense.  Beowulf..an ordinary (or not so ordinary) man has sex with some half mermaid half Angelina Jolie character and gives birth to a Dragon??!??!?!?!! I know its the original story but come on.  How stupid.  The audience is no longer uninformed Nordic Vikings, we are a bit smarter now...

This movie is a decent watch if you're mildly interested in seeing some cool computer graphics and have it NOT be completely for kids like Pixar Movies and AVATAR (Yes I'm including AVATAR!!!!!!!).  Otherwise, watch something else.

-Gerard